DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness: The GIVE Skill — Maintaining Relationships with Kindness and Respect

Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect and empathy. But when emotions run high, it’s easy to lose sight of kindness — especially during conflict or stress. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) teaches the GIVE skill as part of its Interpersonal Effectiveness module, helping people maintain relationships while staying true to themselves.

What GIVE Stands For

GIVE is an acronym that reminds us how to communicate in ways that preserve connection and trust:

• G – Gentle   Be kind and respectful. Avoid judgment, sarcasm, or hostility. Example: “I appreciate your perspective — can we talk about what might work for both of us?”

• I – Interested   Listen actively. Show genuine curiosity about the other person’s feelings and needs. Example: “I can see this matters to you. Tell me more about what’s been difficult.”

• V – Validate   Acknowledge the other person’s experience, even if you don’t agree. Example: “It makes sense that you’d feel frustrated given how much effort you’ve put in.”

• E – Easy Manner   Use warmth, humor, and a relaxed tone to ease tension. Example: “Let’s figure this out together — we’ve handled tougher things before.”

Why GIVE Matters

The GIVE skill helps balance effectiveness with empathy. It’s especially useful when:

• You want to maintain a relationship while expressing a need or boundary.

• You’re navigating conflict with someone you care about.

• You’re trying to repair trust after tension or misunderstanding.

• You’re practicing assertiveness without losing compassion.

By using GIVE, communication becomes less about “winning” and more about connecting — even when disagreement remains.

Real-Life Examples

With a Partner:

“I know you’ve had a long day, and I appreciate everything you do. I’d love to talk about how we can share chores more evenly.”

With a Coworker:

“I understand deadlines have been tight. I’m feeling overwhelmed — could we revisit the timeline together?”

With a Family Member:

“I get that you’re worried. I want to find a way that works for both of us.”

Each example blends clarity with care — the essence of GIVE.

Integrating GIVE with Other DBT Skills

GIVE pairs well with other DBT interpersonal effectiveness tools:

• DEAR MAN helps you ask for what you need effectively.

• FAST helps you maintain self-respect during interactions.

• GIVE helps you nurture relationships through empathy and kindness.

Together, these skills form a balanced approach to communication that supports both self‑respect and connection.

Practice Tip

Try this reflection exercise:

Think of a recent conversation that felt tense or uncomfortable. How might using one part of GIVE — being gentle, showing interest, validating, or using an easy manner — have changed the tone or outcome?

Small shifts in tone and empathy often lead to big changes in trust and understanding.

Further Reading & References

Foundational DBT Texts

• Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

• Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Articles & Overviews

• Lynch, T. R., Chapman, A. L., Rosenthal, M. Z., Kuo, J. R., & Linehan, M. M. (2006). Mechanisms of change in dialectical behavior therapy: Theoretical and empirical observations. Journal of Clinical Psychology.

• Behavioral Tech. Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills Overview. behavioraltech.org

• Psychology Today. The Power of Validation in Relationships.

Additional Resources

• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): nami.org

• Centre for Clinical Interventions (CCI): cci.health.wa.gov.au (free worksheets on assertiveness and communication)